After I realized that my cycle was all over the place I decided to make an appointment with my doctor. Walking into the doctor’s office I had hoped that I was worried for nothing. I hoped I would hear that all my concerns were made up in my head, but sitting there talking with my doctor that’s not what I heard. I could feel tears filling my eyes as I tired to pull it together. I was being referred to the fertility clinic. The wait would be 3-4 months before I could get an appointment but it was worth putting my name for the wait. I left the office with blood work papers and an ultrasound appointment marked “in fertility”. Those two words were something I never thought I would experience or have to worry about. I sobbed briefly in the parking lot before driving off to continue my day.
Throughout my day I went through periods of sadness and anger. Why couldn’t I be like “every other woman” who seem to sneeze and get pregnant and to go on to have healthy, happy little ones. Had I done something to make this happen? Was the god I worked so hard to trust speaking to me somehow? Why was I part of the percentage of woman who cannot do what women are “suppose “ to do?
Later that day I had to sit my husband down and tell him what the doctor had thought and the next steps we will be taking. We talked about the possible results and the options. Scared of how he may react, I couldn’t help but feel responsible. Little did I know the he felt responsible as well. He felt as guilty that maybe he was the “problem” and that I would become resentful. Through open and honest discussion we managed to calm each other’s fears going on to be supporters of each other during this new process.
God I know you hear me. I’m so confused, but im following through. I may never understand that my broken heart is part of your plan. I know that your good but this doesn’t feel good right now. Its hard to believe and try to make sense and remember that you are god and I am not. You look farther then I could ever. Even I feel that you aren’t listening or answering prayers, I know you hear me and see me. You have goodness in store and your answers can be yes, no or not right now.